The Power of Observation & Grief Witnessing

If you’ve ever traveled to a beautiful destination – or even observed one on television – you know what it feels like to witness an incredible sight. Perhaps a stunning sunset. The rainbow that appears after a hefty storm. An elaborate configuration of clouds in the sky. Whatever the view, it’s likely that you invited someone else to witness it alongside you. You ask, “Do you see that?” and await the other person’s response. And more often than not, your inquiry is met with a resounding, “Yes, I do!”

It’s at this moment the two of you unite, joining not only in observation, but also in emotion. Even in the absence of words, you both feel connected to the moment and each other.

What would it look like to experience something similar as it pertains to grief?

When individuals experience significant loss – be it the death of a loved one, a divorce, or the loss of identity or ideals in life, it’s not uncommon for them to feel invisible.

They recognize the burden of grief – its size, weight, and presence in every situation. Further, they observe its impact in relationships with others, in their physical bodies, and amid ever-changing emotions. And more often than not, they wonder if anyone else “sees” it. One question lingers: “Does anybody else know this is hard, or am I simply alone in my thoughts and feelings as I grieve?”

When my mom died in December 2012, I experienced the crushing weight of grief on the heels of her 30-day cancer diagnosis-to-death journey. It felt like a whirlwind, my emotions scattered, my body fatigued, and my spirit gutted. Internally, suffering ensued. And externally, even though I attempted to hide the storm that raged inside of me, the inevitable occurred. In one instance, I found myself collapsed on the floor of a COSTCO. The sight of my mom’s laundry detergent unbearable. In another moment, I found myself cradled against the window of a plane. Tears streaming uncontrollably down my face in the presence of strangers. Over time, it became increasingly difficult for me to conceal my inner struggles. 

For quite a while, the answer was “no”. Or if others did see my pain, they didn’t say anything. This led me to turn inward and attempt to numb my pain altogether. For example, I ignored the signals my body sent in the form of aches, pains, and overwhelming fatigue. I over-worked, aiming to channel my anger and sadness into productivity. And despite my fatigue, I began to interact with physical exercise in an unhealthy way. Ultimately trying to control at least one aspect of my life in the face of so many uncontrollable things.

Grief Witnessing

Those who grieve walk a thin line between health and sickness, pain and hope. Battling the temptation to internalize thoughts and feelings, it’s sometimes easier to save face in social situations and pretend that all is well. However, what a gift it would be for someone – anyone – to validate their grief. Ask how they are today. And instead of continuing to walk while the words flow out of their mouths, take the time to stop and see what’s really happening on the inside. Have the courage to join in the heartache associated with loss. With no attempt to dull its impact or ignore its presence. 

This is what those of us who specialize in grief and loss like to call grief witnessing. Peering out into the uncertainty of the grieving heart’s present and future experiences and saying, “I see it too.” Standing in the discomfort of grief without offering platitudes or cliches. And allowing the pace of grieving to organically unfold over time. What a gift!

If you’re supporting someone navigating loss, know that more than anything, your presence matters. 

A few meaningful ways to join with a grieving heart include:

1. Physically and emotionally showing up … not only in the weeks following the loss, but also over time … for as long as needed. Remember, grieving is a lifelong process that ebbs and flows as the person grieving adjusts to a new way of living.
2. Sitting in your own discomfort in order to comfort your grieving friend or family member. It’s normal to feel unsure about what to say or how to best support someone grieving. Take steps to acknowledge your uncertainty, while at the same time offering support.
3. Allowing the person grieving to express thoughts and feelings without attempting to ‘fix’ the situation or lighten the mood. There is no ‘right’ way to grieve, and strategies for coping with loss vary from person to person. Know that grief expression is meaningful and important.
4. Explicitly naming the reality of the griever’s pain, recognizing the critical role you play as a grief witness. Those who grieve often welcome acknowledgment about the complexity of grief and the heartache that often accompanies it.

I recall an instance in 2013 when one of my coworkers lovingly knocked on my office door and asked if she could simply sit with me following my mom’s death. She expressed uncertainty about how to best support me in the moment. Yet entered the space and sat quietly on my couch. We didn’t exchange many words, but her support was palpable and deeply significant.

While grief isn’t something that can be fixed or solved, it is a process that can be lovingly and humbly witnessed … together.

Check out more resources from Dr. Mekel Harris below!

Bloomwell was founded after realizing there is a lot of work to do when ​it comes to supporting people with grief and loss at work. When employees experience grief and loss, most organizations struggle to know ​how to help. That’s where we come in.

We’re on a mission to build more ​compassionate work places, one organization at a time. We look forward to ​working with you.

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Relaxing Into the Pain offers a glimpse into Dr. Harris' grief journey thus far, a journey filled with peaks, valleys, and spiritual crossroads. Her candid journal entries, coupled with self-reflections about her experiences, provide insights into the overwhelming nature of, as well as the beauty within, grief and loss. Most importantly, Dr. Harris' reflections offer Christ-centered inspiration and hope to those traveling along grief's road and challenge the reader to consider its transformative depths.

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